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An Excerpt from... Baseball is like Sex to the New York Italian Male The same way that we as human beings require air, food and water to survive, the Italian male, particularly those residing on the East Coast, require a steady and somewhat heavy dose of 2 additional life sustaining items, sex and baseball. You can take away practically anything else in their life as long as you don't think about screwing with these 2 necessities. I do however suppose if push came to shove and one had to be forsaken for the other, they probably could survive for longer without sex. Baseball is sort of a religious experience to the East Coast Italian Male. The sacred setting and tradition honored ritual of the "watching of the game" is not unlike the Sunday religious tradition of "attending mass." Sure the room may be slightly smaller, the noise level slightly higher and the attendance slightly fewer, but other than that not much is different.
Not unlike the Ten Commandments, strictly adhered to by members of the Roman Catholic Church, there exists 10 commandments of "The watching of the game" 1. The biggest sin that you could commit at "the watching of the game" is blasphemy, though shalt not ever mutter a negative word against the favored team unless, of course, it is uttered to spur them on to victory, or in complete frustration when an error is made, but if done so must be immediately followed by words of encouragement for the entire team. For example, "how could you drop that freaking ball? Come on Piazza you guys should be wiping the floor with this team"
2. The second commandment is "thou shalt never cross in front of the TV while the game is on." Injuries have occurred when this was done. One notable incident occurred when a newly married woman attempted to seduce her husband by parading naked in front of the screen, and was said to run crying from the living room when her husband seemed totally unresponsive to her state of undress except to suggest she “move it or lose it.” This I suppose proves my earlier statement that if made to choose between going without baseball or sex, baseball would win out.
3. The third commandment is "thou shall not allow calls of nature to interfere with the watching of the game until absolutely necessary." Participants must wait for the exact last minute causing a mad rush to the bathroom, but only during station commercial breaks.
4. This rule should always be remembered by spouses of the participants. Never leave unattended small children with a Dad watching the game, as short of them presenting their severed limbs on the coffee table they will be totally ignored.
5. "Thou shalt not expect to make contact with any participants of the “watching of the game” by any communication methods short of physically removing one’s husband violently from the viewing area. All communication devices are totally useless, as the phone or doorbell ringing will be unheard, and even if heard will be completely ignored.
6. "Thou shalt never contemplate a changing of the channel regardless of world events, earthquake or alien invasion." Luckily 911 occurred in the morning when no game was being broadcast, because had it been on a Sunday during a baseball game a large portion of the NY population would have not heard about this horrendous event until the game had ended.
7. "Thou shalt not serve typical snack food during the game.” Italian men watching their baseball team play require specific snack food. Generally this includes antipasto type foods such as thin sliced salami, breadsticks and garlic and oil soaked red peppers.
8. "Thou shalt never underestimate the necessary time allotment required for the “watching of the game." For most sports fans a game lasts 2-3 hours. for the Italian male sports fanatic the sacred "watching of the game" takes all day. There is the pre-game show, the actual game, the post game show, the wrap up show, and then 2-3 hours of discussion amongst themselves about the game they just watched, usually including at least one fist fight when a disagreement erupts.
9. "Thou shalt dress in appropriate attire to properly route their team to victory" Another important element of the "watching of the game" is that in order to properly pay homage to their team the Italian male baseball fanatic must dress as if they were actually playing on the team. Matter of fact, if an injury occurred to a player on the team this fan could take their place in a split second since they are already suited up. The requisite costume for appropriate watching of the game includes the following: A jersey bearing the team colors with their favorite player's name and number on the back, a team hat, cleats, sweat bands and in some extreme cases a cup and jock strap.
10. "Thou shalt never plan any social or other engagement at a time that may interfere with the watching of the game" This includes, but is not limited to wedding, graduations, anniversaries, baby and wedding showers, emergency room visits, and giving birth. All such events shall be scheduled based upon team schedules for both home and away games.#
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